Relationship Coaching Explained
What is a relationship coach and why does it matter to you?
If you are a bit confused by the title ‘coach’ and what that means, you’re in the right place. I’m going to flesh out the answer to three questions:
Why do coaches only need 1 member of the couple to participate?
What is the difference between coaching and therapy?
What kind of person needs a coach?
1. It takes one to make a thing go right
Most people know about couples therapists. The port of last resort for struggling marriages.
The main problem with couples therapy is that your husband has to go too. And not only show up, he has to be a willing participant. This is the reason many couples do not get past go when it comes to couples therapy.
A relationship coach is someone who helps you with your marriage whether or not your husband wants anything to do with it. (I specialize in helping women, but there are many coaches who specialize in working with men)
He could be one foot out the door and not ‘in-love’ with you anymore.
He would be present in body only but otherwise totally detached emotionally.
He could be making his presence known in less-than-adorable ways such as anger, irritation and criticism.
He could be indifferent and ‘not believe in that stuff.’
And none of that matters at all.
A relationship coach knows that it only takes one person to shift a dynamic.
I did it in my marriage and I’ve seen it in every single one of my clients.
2. The difference between Therapy and Coaching (in general)
Caveat: There are an infinite variety of therapy models and therapists as well as coaching models and coaches, this is simply a basic primer on the differences from my perspective.
Therapy is usually an open ended relationship where the therapist holds space for the client to express themselves and unravel their inner world. Talking about things is the main vehicle for growth or change. It often looks towards the past for causes of current issues. It does not often have a narrowly defined goal in mind. It is a supportive relationship where the therapist does their best not to reveal their personal biases or take sides. Coaching is also a supportive relationship that involves a lot of talking and holding space.
However, in coaching the emphasis is on the future, it is goal oriented, future focused and requires action. When someone hires a coach there are entering into a relationship where the desired outcome is expected to occur if the client puts in the work and the coach does their job effectively.
For example my clients expect that I will help them turn their looks-good-on-paper marriage into a real-life love story. Maybe they don’t even have a lot of faith in that possibility at the beginning so they rely on my vision to get them started. But they are trusting that I can help them achieve that end.
Although we do talk a lot and help them sort out their hearts and minds, it is all with the explicit goal of supporting them to get to a place where they feel happy and content in their marriage and confident that they will be getting their needs met going forward. They want to love their marriages, not just tolerate them.
They are expected to practice the tools I teach them. Answer journal questions and take risks. The result is that they have the support and skills to continually create a level of intimacy and connection that makes marriages last and stay happy, fun and secure. My promise is that they will not only prevent divorce, they will find new joy and peace in their marriage.
3. Who needs a relationship coach?
Not everyone is the right candidate for coaching. My clients are totally committed to their marriages, willing to give up the blame game and mature enough to take full responsibility for their own happiness. This doesn’t happen overnight, but they are all-in to get there.
My clients are not in marriages that are absolutely burning down. If your husband has an active addiction or is compulsively unfaithful than there are other programs that may be a better fit like Al Anon. Not all marriages can or should be saved.
People who benefit the most from coaching are those who are tired of waiting around for the man to change and want to take matters into their own hands. Women like that are absolutely unstoppable, and with the support of a skilled mentor, coach and guide, they are very likely to get what they want.
4. Bonus: Mentorship and teaching
There is one final aspect of relationship coaching that is very significant. I don’t remain neutral. I don’t pretend I don’t have opinions. Instead I let you into my personal growth journey and experiences so that you can learn from my successes and failures. I still hold space for you and will not judge you. But I will let you know when I think you could have handled something differently. I’ll let you know when I think your husband was out of line. You are dealing with a real woman here and my beliefs, experiences and personality will play in.
That’s why it is very important that we are a great fit. When that happens it’s like getting on the phone with your best friend who actually knows what she is talking about when it comes to men, marriage and relationships. It’s fun, it’s helpful and you leave the conversation feeling hopeful and renewed.
Most of us have no idea what the inside of a happy healthy marriage looks like. When I share that with you will see that everything I am promising you I have achieved myself. A therapist does not need to make those kinds of claims. They often don’t share their personal stories.
Finally there is a teaching aspect. I will teach you the universal principles of attraction. I will let you in on some of the most common pitfalls in all marriages and how to avoid them. I will open up to you the inner workings of men's minds and why they do what they do. The good news is you will like them better because of it. You’ll learn that usually, it’s not personal.
Coaching is the place you go when you want MORE out of your marriage. More love, more support, more affection, more peace.
If you are interested in learning more about how you can create your own real-life love story reach out and we can chat and see what it will take to sort our your marriage. This is a totally free, no obligation conversation. Real casual, woman to woman. I can’t wait to hear from you.
