3 simple ways you can improve your marriage without saying a word.
We as women often think that everything can be fixed with a good conversation. However, when your marriage is disconnected and your head is not above water conversations are not easy. I’m sure you've experienced the joy of gently broaching a sensitive subject only to have it blow up in your face. It’s not your fault. This is a totally typical and expected occurrence. Words are important, and I’ll get to that in the next article 3 simple ways to speak to your husband that diffuse anger and create connection. But when you're losing your mind and ready to cut his head off it’s best to start with non-verbal changes. So here are three things you can do that will radically improve your marriage.
Stop doing things you don’t want to do
Start doing things that make you feel good
Stop blaming him for making you unhappy
1. Stop doing things you don’t want to do
Riiiight, your thinking. Wouldn’t that be nice? Most of the day you’re probably rushing around your harried life thinking “Now I have to pick up those socks.” and “Now I have to take out the trash.” or whatever other mundane life-on-repeat kind of job is in front of you. And the other part of your brain is cursing the man who dropped the socks or neglected to take out the trash. Your misery was directly caused by his negligence…or so you think.
But the truth is, you don’t have to do it. If there is a task that when you do it you fume, then just. dont. do. it. Now I hear you scoffing, “That’s ridiculous Shiloh, some things just have to be done. Like brushing the kids teeth or putting them to bed.” And I would agree that those are very important tasks, but there are plenty of folks out there who neither brush their kids teeth nor put them to bed. Yes they live in chaos with decaying teeth. But they made their choices and suffered the consequences. You have the same option. There are no special honours grades for Moms who hate life and are pissed at everyone but still force themselves to maintain some impossible standard of ‘good wife/mom.’ Now I’m not suggesting you just renege on all your duties… but maybe you could cut yourself some slack in some non-essential
categories. Trust me, not everything is essential. How do you do this? Just ask yourself “would I rather be happy or do x?” Would I rather be happy or have no dust bunnies in my home? Would I rather be happy or have my children perfectly turned out to impress my friends?
Why would you let things slide anyway? Well I am assuming you are here because your marriage is not exactly what you envisioned happily ever after would look like. Maybe you are downright miserable and drowning. So in that case it is clear to me that you are doing too much. You will not be able to love your marriage if you feel ignored, unappreciated and exhausted. Although it takes more than stopping the doing to turn things around, it is an essential first step.
2. Start doing things that make you feel good
Ahhhh, remember those days? Doing stuff just cause it is fun, relaxing, enjoyable? Those days need to come back. And not once a month if you’re lucky. I’m talking about finding the time whenever possible to do what renews you and gives you peace, strength and joy. It doesn’t have to be a girls weekend to the carribean, but it can be if you’ve got the option! Think a few minutes to yourself here and there, going out for a walk, reading a good book, sitting in the sunshine on the porch. It doesn’t have to be glamorous. We all have access to things that make us feel good, we’ve just forgotten to prioritize our own well being.
Why is this important? When you don’t take care of yourself you hate others for taking care of themselves! You judge them as selfish, lazy and irresponsible. It doesn’t matter which man, when you are putting yourself last and working too hard you’re gonna hate whatever man is sitting on the couch in front of you. So put yourself first, because your well-being matters.
3. Stop blaming him for your own unhappiness
This is simple, but not easy. But the truth is no one but you is responsible for your own happiness. Of course our life partner has a significant impact on the quality of our lives, but when we blame them for how we feel we shortchange ourselves. In reality we have enormous power to make ourselves happy. Beyond that we have even more power to influence our partners in positive ways. When you stop blaming you get to become an agent of change instead of a victim of circumstance. Because you don’t have to stay married, but if you choose to you may as well do everything you can to make it amazing. Why settle for barely tolerable when you could have a real-life love story?
There you have it, three simple, but not always easy, ways to turn your marriage around and start creating a marriage that’s easy to love.
Now I want to hear from you. What would you stop doing if you really believed you didn’t have to do anything you don’t want to do? Comment below.
